Purgatory

There is many things in life that nobody prepares you for, dying, living on borrowed time, and death. Because honestly that’s what it feels like, dying a slow death. Yes transplant is a second chance but the reality and likelihood are also stacked up in odds. So for now when friends, family, acquaintances and strangers all ask me how I am doing, well there really isn’t an answer for that either.  I just say fine and smile and nod.. but in reality I’m so fucking lost. Somewhere along the way the only choices I’ve had were to “be tough”, “stay strong” and “don’t give up”. Yet somehow I feel so numb to it all. Which in my mind, isn’t strong or tough. It’s disassociation. The one thing I can do, and so well. So please forgive me if you catch me off guard in lala land or just not with it because this shit is fucking tough. This is the only way I have learned to cope… yes it’s not healthy but it’s what I can do for the time being, because protecting my brain is all my body has control of right now. So if you see me staring off into the distance or taking a long time for a response or just not feeling chipper, just note I’m trying to take it all in as I can. 
Dying sucks..